The fight happened. You said things that you didn’t mean. They said things that you can’t forget. And the two of you are pissed off at each other for good and stupid reasons. Now what? Maybe one of you slept on the couch or you slept uncomfortably in the same bed making damn sure not to touch each other. The aftermath of a fight is one of the worst feelings. Who is going to talk first? Will they freeze you out or will you act like nothing is wrong just to get through the day? Making up is hard to do!
Let’s look at some ways that don’t support rebuilding your connection following a blowout:
1) Pretending the fight never happened. This tactic is used in excess by most of my clients. The couple will start the new day with a weary smile and their faces and bumble awkwardly and uncomfortably through their morning routine. This is often due to time constraints (work, gym, kiddo drop off), concern about fighting in front of kiddos or just wanting to move on. Ignoring the situation often results in pent up anger and resentment, a feeling of tension that your kids definitely pick up on and are confused about due to their parent’s forced smiles and a feeling of a lack of respect for each other’s unmet needs.
2) Silent treatment. This is a well used tactic that results in pain and resentment. It is a form of punishment that works at diminishing your partner’s attempts at working through the issue. It also only helps to ensure that your partner will end up being furious with you and the fighting will continue. By avoiding your loved on through silence, they are given the message that they are not important. Also, when your children witness this type of punishment, they learn that ignoring someone that has upset you is parent approved and are less likely to work through issues socially and within the family.
3) Passive aggressive jabs. When someone feels betrayed or hurt, they may lash out in sneaky unkind ways. Often, passive aggressive jabs are played off as jokes and when not taken kindly by the other partner, they are made to feel that they lack a sense of humor or need to get over themselves. The joker may remark that their partner needs to lighten up or get over it already. The problem with this type of after fight humor is that it is one sided. For a relationship to grow and stay strong, the individuals in the relationship must view themselves as a team. In a team, we build up our players and focus on what is good for each other as a whole. When one person is put down, the team begins to work as individuals that move further and further away from their ultimate goal of a loving life and nourished relationship. Also, it’s an ass hole move:)
Now let’s dive into some awesome ways to get through the morning after:
1) Give each other space. Trying to resolve a fight when amped up on adrenaline, alcohol or exhaustion is like yelling at your toddler to calm down. It’s a no go. Creating space to calm, reconnect with emotions of empathy and love and taking a step back to see how your own issues played out in the quarrel is imperative to rebuilding that connection. The cooling off phase needs to be verbalized and respected by each partner to ensure that feelings aren’t hurt. A great way to go about this is to reassure your partner that you love them and want to work this out when you are calm. Sometimes one partner will want space to think while the other becomes clingy and demands that they figure out their issues on the spot. This happens all the time with my couples. This is why it is super important to discuss (prior to or after a fight) how you each handle fighting and agree on respectfully handling each other’s different needs for reassurance and space.
2) Apologize to each other. This seems like a no brainer, but it is a constant issue in many of the couples I see. Often times they will tell me about an argument that they had and successfully got over. I’ll then ask them if they each apologized and forgave each other. If the answer is no then the couple seem to relive the fight in my office. They had the same fight twice! Apologizing is hard when you feel like your partner was the one who started the fight or behaved in a jerky way. Why should you apologize to this person when you didn’t do anything wrong. Well, you may not be at fault for those reasons, but did you raise your voice, use disrespectful language or respond in an unkind manner? Were you open to fully understanding your partner’s point of you or did you struggle to be flexible? It’s important to apologize for these types of behaviors especially if you hurt their feelings. Swallow your pride and apologize to each other. Following that, I think it’s important to hug your loved one and forgive each other. I will often require my couple to hold hands or have a hand on their partner’s legs in a gentle way while working it out.
3) Make a plan. Time needs to be carved out to discuss the issue and find ways to solve or work through it. Remember, you are on each other’s team, so each person needs to make adjustments to their behaviors. Then discuss ways to address the issue next time without having an argument. What can you say to each other that is respectful and meets the needs of the couple?
Questions to Ask Yourself (Psychology Today )
Is there a deeper issue underlying the problem?
The dishes are not about dishes but about feeling criticized, or feeling like the other person doesn’t hear you and dismisses your requests, or feeling like you are Cinderella and the other person isn’t doing his or her share of the work. Ditto for money. Bedtime? Different parenting styles, a power struggle about parenting, or something else? Be curious: Dig down, look for the larger pattern that makes the argument merely the tip of the iceberg, then have a conversation about the bigger stuff.
Why did it turn into an argument at all?
Was there something that the other person did that pushed your buttons? Talk about that. Was it because you were both tired and cranky already, or that it was late at night and you both had had a couple of drinks? Talk about that, and how to do it differently going forward. Was it because you were holding things in for a long time and finally blew up? If so, talk about what you need to feel safe to bring things up sooner. Was it because you both had been feeling disconnected from each other, and somehow had subconsciously developed this pattern of picking a fight so you could then have make-up sex or cuddly make-up and get recalibrated? Talk about how to catch the disconnection sooner and develop better ways of bringing you both closer.
The goals here are clear: Solve the problem and learn from the experience so you don’t keep repeating it. The challenge is having the courage to do so, to step up (or step down), and approach your anxiety rather than avoiding it.